it began with a smile .
it ends in a suckish mood =x
hm . quite a handful today ba .
but i thank God for my friends (:

sorry if im not writing in my usual manner today.
not really feeling up to it blog ):

woke up early today .
had to argue with mum about how long i was going to stay in school.
to FINALLY return the blazer to mini . haha.
wanted to meet her outside at first,
didnt want to wear school uniform .
but .. i figured i would be late .
then she had library somemore . hha .

hm. went to prefect room le .
actually wanted to avoid being seen by someone .
but .. he came in later . *shakes head . anyways .
spent the time in the prefect room .
talking with them (:
finally gave junjie his christmas present. but .. who knew .
they can seriously make me laugh . haha .
my medicine for the day .
then just when i was going to leave the school .
julia came . ahah . so couldnt meet up with her .

hm . talk talk abit le . then shalini peii me to walk across the road .
but we couldnt chat long .
cos she had to get back to library . haha .

eeeeeeesh . i really cant blog now .
kfjqokgn,l3mt
anyways . we went to watch night at the museum (:
nicee show . wierd circumstances .
haiis . that laugh seems so far away now .
i really feel like slamming the keyboard at my head now.

*shakes head.
err .. then went to julia's house .
she cheered me up loads .
we even managed to study .. abit .
thanks alot julia .
and yes . i do thank God for your prescence in my life :D

thank God for laoba too .
thanks for bothering to care (:
thanks for being there for me . trying to cheer me up.
im sorry for being like that .

AIYA . i really cant bring myself to blog now .
sorry blog .
another day ba .

sorry havent been updating .
internet been's abit sot lately (:

there are days where i feel on top of the world.
like im so blessed for everything i have .
but there are days like today where i feel i have nothing .
like . my insignificance hits me.

well . anyways .
its been quite a christmas for me .
though i did spend christmas at home .
not about the presents (:
i always hear that every year .
and i nod my head and tell others that its about the SPIRIT of christmas .
mostly half hearted .
this year . i really must thank God for everything . EVERYTHING :D

ohkay . before that .
today first :D
stayed home today .
morning went to extract two more teeth .
and this one . was much much MUCH more painful !! haha .
she was practically yanking at my face . so pain )):
i can still remember . she injected so many times . but i still felt the pain =x
the top . she injected 2 times . the bottom . fourr times !! )):
i was wondering .
where in the world did that long needle go . diaos .
so by the time i went home .
i thought the bleeding had stopped le .
but then . just as i sat down on the sofa .
it started bleeding again . so much .
some drippped on my shirt =x
it was a different type of pain . i couldnt move my jaw .
and everytime i swallowed saliva . it hurt alot ):
couldnt take it .
so .. thought of going to sleeep .
praying that it would be over by the time i woke up .. but . no ):
i woke up .. to bloood all over . YAY ? ('.' )
it was kinda irritating . couldnt do much .
well . all i ate today was . yoghurt and some dumpling .
at least can use this opportunity to jian fei (:
so .. pretty much spend the whole day at home .
qiang went to stay over at his friend's house .
so .. it was just the four of us .
SERIOUSLY . all dad could talk about was food .
F O O D .
and the internet's sot . so there was nothing else to do .
im not allowed to do vigorous activities .
so . couldnt swim orr go for a run .

haas . anyways . we're going malaysia tomorrow !!
weeeeeeeee .

we are the reason that he gave his life.
we are the reason that he suffered and died .
to a world that was lost he gave all he could give .
to show us a reason to live (:

i will never forget what happened on the 23 .
where for the first time in a long time .
i felt God's presence in me .
where he made things clear to me .

for the whole day.
i spent the whole day in prayer.
i really wanted God back into my life.
i didnt want to block him out anymore.
i just had to know how .
i prayed . everywhere .
queue-ing up for the toilet.
in the toilet .
out of the toilet .
come to think of it .. it was abit wierd.
but .. it does prove the power of prayer (:

i can never forget , being in the hall of chc .
where during the drama . with the candles.
i broke into tears.
i couldnt control it . i dont know why.
i felt a very comforting warmth .
like the holy spirit put his hand on me .
telling me that its ohkay .
my heartbeat was racing . i could feel myself trembling .
i could feel God filling my mind with countless thoughts.
clearing all my doubts of obscurity and vulnerability.
that i had been searching at all the wrong places.
when he was right in front of me .
it really touched me . i broke into tears right there and then.

however.
something that struck me.
was the little boy who sat in front of me.
barely .. 3 years old ?
i could feel his fire for God.
it was the kind of age , where you wouldnt expect him to know how to speak.
much less listen .
but , he lifted his hands to the Lord.
jumping with so much enthusiasm.
it really inspired me (:
and i felt God spoke to me through him.

well . now that i've felt the word .
i have to know the word. all over again .
thats my next goal ! :D
really must thank julia .
for saving me from back-sliding .
really (:

a little prayer tonight .
just because .

Lord.
i pray that tomorrow, things will be different .
i want you to open the eyes of my heart.
and that the moment i step through the doors of chc.
my mind would be clear of the world we appear to be conform to.
may every word, every thought and every action be in your favour.
i dont want to be left in the corner anymore .
in spiritual destitution .
i can admit, i may not be ready.
but, its been awhile since i've felt your prescence in my life .
as i may have taken it for granted before.
neglected the gifts i so blessedly receieved .
i really want to begin a new spiritual journey.
a spiritual relationship with you.
if its not the right time, i understand.
i just want a clearr mind tomorrow . just because .
thanks for everything that i already have.
amen .

hm . havent posted for the past few days .
been kinda busy .
so by the time i finished . fell straight asleeep . haas .

hmm .
now there are two kukus with qiang in the house .
they're baking ! hahaha .
hm . i was trying to burn the paper for the cards.
but .. think it wasnt exactly the right thing to do while they're baking .
so .. i stopped . haha .

haas . they all turned to yiling .
as .. she's the only one among us who can actually bake .
LOL .
ben ho's only thinking of eating .. and .. haha .
lalalas ~
OHMYGOSH . the most retarded thing .
they debating about . zoids . power rangers .. etc . diao .
comparing who knows more . lol .
then . when andrew said "in the last episode .."
ben ho will be like "but havent the last episode"
then he reply "not the LAST episode the LAST episode of this one . yesterday"
then he said "but havent the las tepisode yet whats . havent finish"
haha .
then they continue continue .
till he finally got that it was actually referring to yesterday's episode -_-"
they're watching pokemon and power rangers now . hahas .

lol. ANYWAYS .
went to school for the registration thingy today .
to give out the brochures .
because of those brochures . had to sleep late again . hais .
ran around like crazy last night trying to find a print shop .. to no avail .
it was so expensive .
1 copy for .. 60 cents ? lol.
diao . so i decided to just print all at home .

hm . fell asleeep before i could foldd it .
so i had to go to school early to fold it .
diaos .
met shalini . FINALLY !! hahas .
we talked and talked and talked . haas .
hm . then i asked darren, eugene and shalini to help . cos shoban had prefect stuuff .
we folded all 150 ! weeeeee ~
hahaha . got a chen jiu gan .

haas . oh ya .
junjie and kaihsiang and jocelyn were working at the bookshop . LOL .
with some other seniors . hahaha .
couldnt recognise jocelyn ! haas . she look so mature :D
hm . jj and kh had to wear aprons . hahahaha =x
*coughs .

err . haas . we then scouted the school for peeps with potential ..
to darren anyway .
shalini went off to do her duty.
he opened his eyes so big like a tiko and stared at people's legs . LOL .
then .
their excuse for not giving .
[1] gurls are shy . so its better for a gurl to ask.
[2] gurls can DIAN the guys . so the guys would approach gurls rather than guys .

like . DOTS .
so .. they just stood there and went
" yiwen there there !! seeee . faster faster faster . got potential !!"
then followed by a PUSH .
diaos .
so i decided to abandon them for awhile and walked around the school to find .
saw laoba . something strangely creepy happened while we were walking . LOL .
then , went around , saw some of them. so i stood and play with them . LOL .
walked a few rounds . hahas.
kept seeing geraldine . LOL .

hm . then decided to find them again .
they were hiding upstairs. never give out brochure . eeesh .
so . we went to the hall and just stood there .
waiting for people to come :D
shoban was there t0o . haha . so he help us to spot .
very funny up there .
we were like pointing all over . trying to use sign language .
while MAINTAINING OUR IMAGE . haas .

hm . then afiqah and azureen came !! hahah .
azureen then went out to meet him again . cos we havent finished .
hm . afiqah helped us . then we walked all over .
eugene and darren quickly gave out whatever they had . and went home .
kuku . think they anyhow give de lorhs . wasted =x
afiqah wanted to see jj and kh in the aprons . so we walked back again . hahaha .
they seemed so confused . diaos ~

hm . then we walked around . LOL .
bump into laoba again .
he was counting cars . LOL . to afiqah anyways . haha .
then we met niyaz, raymond, laoba and ummu .and we took a break at the void deck .
haha . they were discussing about hairstyles .
raymond told us his DREAM PLAN . when he graduated . lol .
afiqah . another inhabitant in your world . LOL .
hm . very funny . haas .

we practically spent the rest of the time talking . walking . then finish le .
cos fiqah left for town. so i went to find shalini .
JULIA decided not to come . lol .
neverr mind . can peii me not return my blazer . LALALA =x
can meet her for the carnival tomorrow anyways . hahs .

then waited for lini. mini. azureen and shoban .
so i sat at the void deck .
wanted to sleeep actually . haas .
then junjie came .
kinda wierd actually . he was tired .
so didnt talk much . hahas . working wor :D
then shalini. shoban and cc came .
so left azureeen .
then shoban said . actually not necessary to come . DOTS .
but . we waited for her anyways . ahhas .
when she FINALLY came .
we watched the video over and over.
its actually quite coool lorhs . the effects and stuff .
looks kinda simple and plain .
but .. when i thought about it . i dont know how to make . LOL .
so .. betterr dont comment too much . hahas .
just when we were about to start .
mr narain called us over to have meeting .
DOT .
discuss alot of stuuff .
MORE WORK )):
a new list POP up . just like that . diaoos ~
i want to try to finish it by our meeting on tuesday .
so can get that aside .
must try ba . hahas .

hm . then by the time we finished . was quite late le .
so they left .
sat there and talked with azureen .
keep taking multi shots with her NEW PHONE . ahaha .
kuku lorhs . so fast . haha =x
hm . then we went to the polyclinic where she was going to meet him .
so i went home . haas .
decided to go to popular to get paper for the cards .
then she ask me whether i could go back .
sorry azureen =x
hm . bumped into qianting :DD hahas .
peii herr wait for her kor to come .
she also helped me with the colours and stuuff . i cannot identify . EESH ! =x

haas . then finally went home and worked out a design :DD
they came just not long ago .. so .
here we are now :D hahas . blog later ba .
go and see how's their baking . LOL .

feeling a little better today i guess .
though that doesnt solve the problem.
attempted to keep my distance , really dont want to emit more negativity.
i admit, i havent been acting right in the eyes of the Lord.
but , its one the first few times i've truly blown up and
one of the first few times i've been so disappointed in someone.
haiis . long story .

hm . told myself that die die had to go to church today.
sadly, couldnt wake SOMEBODY up .
and we kinda got off to a late start, due to a faulty alarm.
well . didnt attend the main service, we had our own christmas party with the kfc .
haas .
they're so cute =x
well . it was SO nice to see liz and debs they all again .
andria was there t0o ! haha . so nice to see her again :D
hm .. though spiritually desolate i felt,
i tried hard to clear my heart to the Lord.
then, i thought about what i've been trying lately.
going to chc with julia.
worship there is powerful and the cell rocks.
but, it just doesnt feel as same as coa.
i mean, i kinda feel.
spiritually, coa is where i feel my utmost high, AND my utmost low.
my greatest joys, and yet my greatest destitutions.
so .. whats that supposed to mean ?
i want to feel God's prescence again. but i just feel i cant.
and im afraid going back would bring yet another deprivation.
where the nearest i get is to see how empowered the ones around me are.
hais . i dont know .

it was nice to catch up with the rest (:
i miss talking with them so much. i just never realised (:
auntie sandra was being her normal siao charbor .
laughing like nobody's business . haas .
i can see she tried to share something as a christmas lesson for us.

hmm . after that, went off to meet jiamin and fiqah.
the rest of the kukus werent freee . eeeeeeesh .
was early, so decided to go walking around jurong entertainment first.
hm . nothing much actually, was actually trying to borrow something to wear for carolling . if i get to go.
lols . to no avail =x
hm . then off to orchard we went .
we walked about in the rain .
though fiqah was reluctant . its second nature for jiamin and me :D
so .. she was forced t0o . haas .
basically window shopping actually . laughing at all the kuku stuuff we saw.
its been awhile since i've seen their faces . GOSH .
i've been lazy all this holiday, staying at home in nothingness =x
well, couldnt stay out that late, so we left by 5:30.
took the long bus home with fiqah .
it was SO DARN COLD CAN =x
we were both shivering while talking . haas .
she shared with me the inhabitants of her planet .haha .
namely .. the NAN NU BU RU =x
then , we kinda reflected on the kind of people around us.
the kind of life we wanted. haas .

seriously, its not only the fact that im scared ,
but , i dont want to ruin this outing for them yea ?
at least make them happy for once. be out of their hair.
hmm .. i dont know. i want to try asking God =x

i was also thinking of calling him to exchange back the phone.
but thinking twice .. i didnt dare .
EEESH . i wish i could talk to someone about this .
im going to explode O.O"

well . met family, without SOMEONE at bb station. then we went home .
watched read it and weep .
and i dont know why . it got me on a panic spree.
it suddenly hit me about how stress next year's going to be.
im going to have two amaths and two emaths tutions, including chem and chinese ?? and still have to cope the other stuuff .
i wonder , should i devote everything next year to my studies ?
despite how much i would LOVE to do that.
i know i cant. have to balance somehow .
schedule ? psychological reliability ?
i dont know . i dont know !!
im very scaredd . then i realised .
i havent called all them yet ! die die die !

well , as you can seee.
my thoughts are all tangled up in a mess .

im spiritually empty .
& i dont know what to do about it .

ohkay . back from thailand . haha .
had to travel a whole lot. so kinda motion-sickish now .
qiang's back from ahyi's house t0o .
we all had a funny family dinner last night . haas
hmm . my journal's with me .
i'll type it in soon =x haha .

yesterday .
since we were at the airport .
my conscience was not clear unles i gave it one last try.
so .. went to the lost and found .
kinda paiseh . had to have this singapore poly guy follow me .
then when he ask . what was it i was so desperate to find . i say .. a journal .
he was like .. diao .
hm . well .. to no avail . couldnt findd ):
guess my thoughts would be lost .
my gosh ): i feel like asking bharat . but then .. t0o much le ba =x

hmm . ohkay . never mind .
i found this on gland's blog . who got it from marc .

The Little Things
As you might know, the head of a company in the World Trade Towers survived 9/11 because his son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time.
One of them missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.
One's car wouldn't start.
One went back to answer the telephone.
One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.
One couldn't get a taxi.
The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.
Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone ... all the little things that annoy me, I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment.
Next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated; God is at work watching over you.
May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purposes.

hm . spent the whole day at home . i've kept this post unpublished until .. 12am now ? haha .
so it'll appear as tomorrow's.
hm. didnt do much . mum managed to get ling a table for tomorrow's bazaar . so guess i have to help her .
we dug up through the old store room today .
haha . many childhood rubbish appeared .
LOL . i cant believe what kuku things i did as a kid . so embarrassing =x

so long didnt talk to them le . couldnt resist going online ..
couldnt resist watching tv too .
so .. kinda spent the whole day slacking around .
dots .
it was so nice to talk to them again .
julia . fiqah . jiamin . marcus. even if it WAS just for awhile . the rest too .
laoba and i had a intellectual debate about farting :D
he never fails to make ROFL .

hm . there was this part . when julia, her brother and i in the convo .
they were like .. quarrelling . haas .
reminded me of my bro .
sibling relationships are never an open book .
hard to contemplate . haha .

hm . anyways . was planning on meeting up the shalini they all .
but they not free ):
haiis . i really hope that i havent been neglecting them .
i dont want to lose great friendships .
im sorry ): this one is reaal . really .

things are getting abit uncomfortable now .
if i knew . i wouldnt even have gone to the combined camp .
that triggered everything again . EEEEESH .
and it sucks . cos i promised i wouldnt tell .
seems silly to me larhs .
dont do this to me can .
im really not ready for this now . seriously .
sometimes . i really wish i could take a match . and burn my life away .
then nobody would have to suffer from the FREAKING RETARTED THINGS I DO .

i needed to de-stress .
dont read that last part . ^^

hehe . couldnt resisit blogging one more time .
hm . today's the day .
doesnt really feel like it though . i cant imagine waking up in yet another new country .
hope to have new adventures :D

i seriously dont feel like as if im going .
i guess im taking the stuuff around me for granted .
anyways .
i was never good at packing .
i always feel like i havent gotten enough .
can ask anyone . LOL .
yeaa . guess my heart's not yet fuully prepared .

cherie and i agreed that on our holidays.
we will bring a book each . to write our thoughts in .
so that we'll still remember and we can tell each other when we get back .
haas . maybe we'll exchange when we get back .
we dont want history of forgetting everything to repeat itself .
just hope i dont lose this one =x haas .
im reaally hoping that my other one is at the airport .
so that i can get it back.
ohkay .. i know it seems funny that im making such a big deal over this book .
but it does seriously mean alot to me .
writing means alot to me .
ohkay . i may sound like a psycho.

ohOHoh . this morning .
as i put my letters into the box i made .
i read through some of the stuuff i since p6 .
i realised . my english has detoriated like siao can .
for some strange reason. i feel my english was better when i was in p6 .
diaooooooo . really must catch up on reading le =x
cant afford to deprove anyMORE =\
cant afford to desensitise now . cannot cannot cannot .
haaas . anyways .
guess im going to end here le .
the serious next post will be when i come back. haas (:
take care everyone . really :D

hopefully things wont change THAT much when i come back .
will youu be better when im gone ?
maybe so you can be rid of me for awhile (:
haas . sorry if you guys dont understand this part .
you shouldnt ! haa .

its actually 12:57 now.
so .. i changed the time so that it would be last nights' post . hehe .

thanks for making things clearr last night .
first time you were the one who open your mouth first lehs .
was kinda shocked . LOL .
the beginning of a friendship ba :D lalalas ~

was actually planning on going out with juN- today .
but then . wasnt really up to it .
hhe =x

also was kinda set on finishing my box thingy last night .
but then . i went to search for the silver marker.
search search search until i fell asleeep =x
lol .
BUT ! managed to finished it before lunch today .
kinda got paint on the bed . but . HEHEHE =x sshh .

cooked again today . ahaha .
nothing much actually . today was quite a sian day =x
realised that planned a few things . but in the end also didnt do ('.' ")
like .. was planning to swim but i didnt .
was planning to pack but i didnt .
was planning to go and train but i didnt =x
darn . im procrastinating .

afiqah and i were discussing about a performance .
LOLL . we have PLANS ! hahahaa .
really made me laugh until my stomach hurt .
lols . she really knows how to cheer me up . HAHA .

hee . i got the dates mixed up .
i actually thought that i was meeting sharmini to pass her the blazer tomorrow .
but then . is actually the 8th . diaoo ~
so think i can only return it when school reopens .
but i scared mr koh explodes =x
gulps .
hm . not going to school also means cannot meet samuel to give him the phone .
WHAHA =x see how ba . now seeing how . haaa .

my gosh .
laoba has reached a new scolding time record . LOL .
i just stared at the screeen while he type and type .
and before i knew it . i turn to the clock and more than four hours had passed .
thats why i couldnt blog earlier t0o . haas .
well . laoba .
as long as there is even the slightest bit of hope on him .
dont give up . really dont .
even if it take more than a 100 times .
maybe you're looking at it from the wrong direction ? (:
make your decision and stick with it (:
hope to have good news when i come back yea :D haha .
but .. everyone has limits t0o ba .
hmm . but i really wonder .
with people like that . what drives them to be like that ?
i dont believe people do things like that without reason de lorhs .
cant be so zian ba .
lalalas ~ dont say so much le ba .

been awhile since i talk to shuni laogong t0o.
it was nice to have a short talk with her :D lalas ~
every chat with her is an eye opener . haha .

hm . honestly . i cant really remember much of what happened today .
especially now .
tired =x hehee .
DIE . im being a lazy procrastinating freak now .

hm . my next post will probably be when i come back from thailand .
and i WILL come back .
gosh . some of them made it seem like as if i wont come back .
CHOI CHOI . its only 12 days (:
and God is ever watching over us . everything will be just fine :D
so .. must take care of my blog horhs . haha .
will really miss everything . everyone :D

love comes with many faces.
this is for ariff . hhaa .
much of the time, we are so eager for someone's love that we take for granted the love we already have.
love need not necessarily only be the romantic kind.
though that is the one most people see .
at times when we are at our lowest.
it is the love of our family . and the love of our friends and even the small things around us that gives us the assurance and warmth we needed .
love can be anything too i guess .
anything that crosses our path . HAHA :D

anyways . went for a facial with mum and ling today .
haha . kinda funny .
it was eitherr .. pain . or ticklish .
HAHAHA .

after that . had to go to visit grandma .
was kind of reluctant to go actually =x
but .. dad said i had no choice .
and it was quite ohkay larhs i guess .
didnt talk much .
sat there and stare at them .. as they talked in hokkien ('.' ")
lalalas ~

on the way back home .
dad suddenly brought up the topic of relationships .
diao ~
i made it very clear to him about my non-existent boyfriend.
FINALLY ! lol . then we talked about qiang's relationship problems .
he asking me to open him up as much as i can . lol .
parents ..
hm . then dad talked about how .
people in singapore .
kidnap children . cut off theirr legs and make them blind .
and then bring them off to another country to be beggars .

its kinda horrific when you think about it.
i cant imagine if it happened to me .
or my friends !
sometimes .. i really wonder what drives some people to do the things they do.
i honestly dont believe people do the bad things without a reason.
even things like terroism.
i dont know . i just wish there was something we could do about it .
if someone is driven to the point that he harms people he doesnt even know ..
its kind of sad isnt it ? ):
ohkay ohkay . i know i sound like a psycho .
ignore that last bit .
im just writing how i feel =x

well . two more days till we go thailand .
a land of obscurity and insecurities for us.
cant really imagine actually =\
another journey .
but im sure . God is with us .
im sure he will guide us through this smoothly (: YAY !
dad's trying to get us to plan bible study and devotion for the trip .
where mum is making me prepare amaths stuff .
also . have to bring books to read .
DIAO . i feel like im going back to school instead.
haas .

again . i wonder .. how things really are between us .
is it really ohkay with you ?
i wonder if you still have feelings for me ..

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